This is Me

   Hi, my name is Amy. I am a wife and mother of 3.   I have 2 Master's Degrees and I am living with Anxiety and Major Depression Disorder (MDD).  

   I was diagnosed with MDD in 2016, but in reality, my journey with depression started long before that.  Due to fear of the stigma of being diagnosed with a mental disorder along with negative comments from some that were close to me, I put off getting help for way too long.  By the time I was brave enough to finally seek help, I was almost nonfunctional.  I would sleep all night, get up and get my kids to school, sleep all day, then get up when my kids go home from school, do their afternoon activities, and then once they were in bed, I'd soon follow and the cycle would repeat itself.  Because I was able to do the things necessary to take care of my kids I was called lazy, told that I needed a hobby or to get a job, and told to "pull myself up by the bootstraps and get over it."   

  Even now I am often hesitant to talk about my disease because I often get told that I'm just seeking attention, and in some ways that's true, but not in the way that is often meant.  I do need attention, I need to know that I am cared about, that I am loved, that my life has purpose and meaning, because often I feel like I'm just floating through time with no real purpose and that me being here has no effect, positive or negative, on those around me.  

   During the past few years, all three of my children have been diagnoses with ADD/ADHD, my eldest was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and my marriage was on the verge of collapse.  Fortunately, these things all seem to be under control at this time.  However, I have often felt alone and forgotten.  Like life has thrown too much my way and that I'm hanging on by a thread or even drowning, struggling to hold on.   

   I am doing all that I can to help control my disease.  I have a good psychiatrist and therapist that help me.  Unfortunately, antidepressants can quickly lose their effect and often have a side effect of causing suicidal thoughts.  Because of this, it will be a constant life-long battle to make sure I am on the correct medicine with the correct dosage.  Even with these ongoing efforts, there are other outside/environmental things that can pop up and throw me through a loop.   The weather, other illness or injury, struggles with children, stresses of life, etc. can all seem overwhelming and too much, especially when they pile on top of each other.   I have to limit my social media use, sugar intake, and even be mindful of things I hear at church because all these things can be triggers.  

   I am often seen as pessimistic or closed off.  In high school and college, people often described me as stuck-up.  I don't feel like I am any of these things.  Just really shy, introverted, and hurting.   

   My purpose in starting this blog is not to get sympathy or attention, but to bring knowledge and understanding to something that is often a hidden disease.  To hopefully help ease the pain of others who are suffering in silence.  

Amy